New Life, New Creature. Old Soul, Old Blood.

I sit at my dining room table as I write this.

Many things have changed, 

most notably my outlook on life.

I still have passion,

it has been redirected towards different dreams and pursuits.

..................

We were married alongside the late summer fields

under an oak tree

All of our closest family and friends were there.

People came from as far as 

Chicago, Seattle, Boston, Houston, Syracuse, Nashville

The brass quintet played "Claire de Lune"

as the woman I love the most made her way towards me.

My eyes were misty.

Being surrounded by everyone that you have ever loved in your life

is intoxicating.

Strung lights illuminated the summer evening

as the sun sunk lower.

The jazz ensemble's big band hits flooded the warm night air.

We ate fried chicken and collard greens,

mashed potatoes and gravy,

green beans and cornbread.

"Our Love is Here to Stay" started to play,

everyone gathered around,

and we danced the foxtrot in the middle of barn.

There were rumors of pie,

but we never saw any of it.

Apple, Blueberry Crumble, and Peach Cobbler.

After our dance, she was pulled into the crowd.

I made my way for the tables outside. 

I had a bottle of bourbon waiting,

set aside for the only quiet moment of the night 

that I might know.

As I poured myself a glass,

old friends started to make their way to me.

We passed the bottle around, laughing,

telling stories of how things used to be.

It was time to exit.

As a double-line formed outside the barn door, 

I shared the last drink and toast of the night

with her Uncle Dan.

She grabbed my hand and we made our way.

Sparklers lit the night, 

as our friends and family lit the one's next to them

down the line.

My father was at the wheel of his idling Jeep Wrangler

with the top off.

The stars were so bright,

there was nothing between us and them.

The wind rushed all around us.

We couldn't stop smiling at each other.

That was our first night in our new home,

with nothing but a bed and the clothes on our backs.

We slept soundly inside of our empty farmhouse.

..............

The next few days were full of excitement,

the fever of new beginnings still lingering.

We sat on the hardwood floors

as we opened our wedding gifts.

Wrapping paper was thrown all around

with nowhere else for it to go.

I ate leftover fried chicken right off of the pan.

............

We spent an entire morning in Tim Hortons,

drinking coffee and deciding how to furnish our house.

.............

A few months later 

we had planted our late fall crops

in 25 foot rows.

Beets, Kale, 

Carrots, Lettuce, 

Radishes, Spinach,

Garlic

We got our chickens moved

from my parents orchard.

I plan to fix up the coop 

that came with the property, 

with hopes that we can order

50 chicks come early Spring.

My workshop is in our turn-of-the-century barn.

It seems that I will have enough projects to keep my hands busy.

Kate recently cooked and froze the last of our corn.

We didn't have much other food to preserve,

but we are planning on it for next year.

A good friend gifted us a decent-sized crock

and I hope to make a large batch of sauerkraut next year.

We have home-cooked meals every night that we can.

Kate is an incredible cook and I love all that she brings to this life.

Freshly-washed laundry can often be seen hanging outside of the kitchen window. 

Blowing in the mid-day breeze.

We listen to our radio shows every Saturday night and play word games in the evenings.

...............

I have begun to move towards fully embracing my agricultural, ancestral traditions.

My grandfather was a farmer, and his before him, and so on.

It was easy for me, at one time, to look at such a simple life as paltry.

But now it is hard to imagine why anyone would want anything else.

It is in my blood.

It is my plan to acquire more land 

and to continue working towards growing the lion's share of our food.

Nothing has made me happier than a long day of farm work, 

sun up to sunrise.

My hands dark from the sun and soil.

.................

We took two weeks off to drive out West.

I built a fire and we cooked over it

with the vast Rocky Mountain range as our backdrop.

We awoke the next morning to a glistening, heavy frost

as the sun rose.

We backpacked and backcountry camped in Yosemite,

alongside Lake May one night,

and at the top of North Dome the next,

near the timberline.

It was windy and there was little wood to gather,

but I was able to get a good fire going before nightfall.

We cooked another delicious meal.

It was the most beautiful sunset that I have ever witnessed.

The deafening silence 

and the stars that followed.

We kept the fire going late for warmth.

It was a rainy, foggy day as we drove through Kaibob National Forest.

Our destination was the Grand Canyon.

We hoped to hike down to the Colorado River, 

but the weather wasn't going to clear for a few days.

..............

Shortly after our return to our little farm,

I got a job working at a custom woodworking mill. 

We also adopted a five-year-old, bluetick coonhound.

I am reading a biography of Theodore Roosevelt

and so we decided to name him after the Rough Rider himself.

Teddy fits in well with our lives

when he isn't chasing the chickens or trampling the lettuce.

................

I rarely think of hitchhiking, anymore.

I have to care for the vegetables, chickens, and dog.

Travel, in general, is somewhat out of the question for us now.

But I always have a fairly inarguable reason to leave social events early.

I've found other forms of escapism, if you will.

A good book and a cup of tea after a long day at the mill.

Working in my barn until long after the sun has set.

Sharing a bottle of cider as we cook and share the stories of our day apart.

..............

With a winsome wife and a handsome hound to keep my bed warm at night,

my life is so very different than I ever imagined it would be.

But it is so beautiful. 

I never thought that I could be this happy.

Obsolete

Are we better off dead?
In a world full of so much pain
most of which I will never experience.
Give me pain.
Give me experience.

She gives this city light
My memories of it without her
seem like they are surrounded in a thick smoke
seem forever sunless.

Obsolete.

The sun is all around
shining through the many windows in a room I don't belong.
But my memories are dark.
Almost like something distinct is missing.
The reason for the memories existing is missing.
Memory is temporary.

Obsolete

It is comforting to know that I am temporary.
Temporary.
Temporary.
Yesterday.
Yesterday.

Who was I yesterday.
My life is moving too fast for me to even know who I am in this moment.
And now that moment has passed.
Self-discovery is dead.
It ended with the dawn of social media.
Let others discover who you are.
Tell others who you are and let them discover it for themselves.

Obsolete.

Everyone's favorite word is their own name.
Use people's names when you are talking to them to get them to like you.
I learned that from Dale Carnegie.
He is the one that we have to thank for making extroverted personalities the ideal.

Obsolete.

Music and sports are the same.
They both take our mind away from the things that really matter.
They are both distractions from seeking truth and love.
Music helps me get through my everyday.
It makes it less uncomfortable when I don't have anything to say to those around me.

Obsolete.

Is it better to tell people what you are really thinking?
Or to just tell the people that really care?
Who really cares?
I can count on one hand how many people really care about me.
Oh, no, there's a few more.
Two hands, that's all it takes.

Obsolete.

Everyone you love is going to die.
Everyone you love is going to die.
Everyone you love is going to die.
Everyone dies.
Love dies when everyone dies.
Everyone you kill is going to die.

obsolete.

No one is going to live forever.
Not even me.
Not even you.
Everything is meaningless.
Poetry is meaningless.
Because what could be more meaningless
than that which tells us that everything is meaningless?

obsolete.

Tell me a good joke and I might laugh.
But only if the delivery and timing are just right.
Otherwise I won't even smile.
What's a good joke if it isn't told just right?
It's meaningless.

obsolete.

I never feel well rested.
Not since that day that I woke up as a small child,
I looked out my window and the sun was rising with me.
I stretched and didn't yawn.
I didn't yawn.
I had had the last good night's sleep of my life.
One of the clearest, saddest memories I am able to recall.

obsolete.

Poetry only exists for the poet.
No one else will ever feel it quite the way they have.

obsolete

Preguntas para hacer a mí mismo

Questions that I should ask myself

more often

or even at all,

Q. When was the last time that I remember experiencing happiness?

A. I must keep in mind that most of my memories are distorted with time. It seems so easy to forget the unpleasant aspects of certain recollections. My point being how simple it is to look back and dwell on the "good times." Romanticizing certain moments in time seems to be a fairly common human trait. An example being a relationship that may have had very little positive impact on you, if any at all. After some time has passed, you may look back and think that it "really wasn't all that bad, in fact, it may be worth getting back together." So.. experiencing true happiness? How am I able to tell what is real and what isn't? When am I just faking a smile to get through the work day and when am I actually enjoying myself? It is very difficult for me to distinguish after the fact. In the current moment it is much easier for me to grasp a subject as intangible as an emotional response to my surroundings, happiness. An easier question might be.. 

Q. What elements seem to be present during moments in which I am at peace with myself and the world around me?

A. That sounds much better. When I am in the presence of my loved ones I am able to laugh and breathe with ease. Spending my days in the countryside, as opposed to the city, seems to keep my mind in a much healthier state. Whatever increases my perception of the "speed" at which time is passing is what helps me find contentment. Family is one of the most important aspects to me in this life. My mother, father, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and fiancée are what I like to focus on most of the time. Spending time with them is paramount because there is no way of telling how much more time we have together in the physical world. I always comment at family gatherings how blessed we all are to still be able to gather. Working with my hands helps me to feel relevant and accomplished. This is mostly apparent in my agricultural work. The short answer being.. my loved ones, a rural environment, time for solitude, and working with my hands for a living.

Q. Where do I want to be in 10 years?

A. Living a simple life with my family on a small sustenance farm. I hope to find myself at the end of a long day of work, sitting on my front porch with my wife, children, and brother. I'll be picking away at the banjo and drinking homemade alcohol from a mason jar. My hands will be calloused and darkened from soil and sun. I hope to be keeping busy with handyman projects around the house and farm. My mornings will start early and I won't be in bed until I know that my family (animals included) are safe and sound.

Q. How does the concept of a higher power fit into my life?

A. As I study and experience more everyday, I come closer to the conclusion that I can not walk any spiritual path that I have not formulated for myself. How authentic can any belief system be if it is not one's true own creation? Being raised in a religious cult has been a huge blessing to me, in this sense. It is much easier to see the need for a change when your theology has so many holes in it. If I had been raised in a more "normal" faith, I may have never seen any reason to begin questioning in the ways that I have. In was raised in a conservative Christian household. And from what I've seen in my own life, as well as the lives of those around me, this is rarely an aspect of an upbringing that sticks. Fortunately, my parents began to see a few of the many errors within the doctrines of the Seventh Day Adventist church. I was at a young age and was subject to their own religious progression. I am also very blessed by this event in my life. I am now at an age where I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. I crave history, philosophy, theology, etc, etc. To realize that there are infinite "truths" out there in the world excites me. I am tearing down walls (that had been built over the course of 20+ years) within my mind on a daily basis. I could write an entire treatise on my thoughts for a hundred different specific sub-catergories in the realm of belief. To answer a question that I deem quite unanswerable for myself at this point in my life, at least, I am attempting to "re-figure it out". I do not believe in the god of my childhood. I do believe that every single Christian (or adherent to any other faith, for that matter) is worshiping a god that meets their unique needs. I do not believe that we can even begin to comprehend anything at all of this otherworldly power. I do believe that anthropomorphizing and personalizing this god is dangerous and unhealthy, at the least, for me personally. I do believe that "He" has revealed "Himself" to us in a number of ways that we can relate to. I do believe that I can find comfort in the mystery and unknowableness of such a reality (much like the ancient Greek Orthodox church). This is as far as I can admit to having come on my newest journey into redefining my faith as of recently. 

Q. What do I fear the most?

A. I find the idea of disharmony between people that I love (and myself) to be extremely terrifying. Attached to every relationship that I have ever had or ever witnessed is this self-imposed fragility. Even when I know that I am loved deeply by someone, I feel as if our connection could be shattered by a single word. This is probably my most significant fear, losing someone's love in a moment's time. Even though I see how unrealistic this belief is, I can not convince myself that it is any other way.

Isle Royale Journals

First night in the wilderness
Date: July 17th, 2015
I currently hear: The occasional sound of a loon call
Location: Isle Royale, Michigan

We rode across the largest great lake this morning.
Fog shrouded us and our vessel for the entire 8 hour journey.
We found a suitable site on the island and made our way back to the harbor to have our last prepared meal before heading deep into the Island's vastness.
When we returned to our tent, a few food items were outside of the tent and ripped apart.
A squirrel that we later named Chia (because of his choice selection from my bag) had torn two holes in our brand new tent (purchased for us at Christmas by my fiancee's parents).
Chia had somehow gotten into my ALICE pack, unsnapping the button straps in the front pocket.
I was hoping beforehand that we had possibly skipped out on the curse this time.
It seems that on every adventure we go on, the first night always holds some misfortune that is never matched later on.
I lost my mind for a little bit after our discovery.
We ended up relocating camp after continuous threats to our foods safety from Chia.
We watched the sunset through our mosquito nets on the other end of the peninsula.
Benjamin and I talked of loneliness and love.

----------------

Second night in the wilderness
Date: July 18th, 2015
I currently hear: The constant ringing of a buoy bell at a nearby shipwreck
Location: Rustic Adirondack shelter

A total of 11.2 miles were covered today, over difficult terrain.
We found a cave off of the main trail and explored it.
We also hiked to the Fire Tower from the top of Mount Ojibway.
The view of the entire island was magnificent.
Dinner was chicken fried rice, biscuits, and hot chocolate all made over our new MSR stove.
We've seen tracks and heard activity but have not actually seen any moose yet.
There are estimated to be 1250+ currently roaming the island.
I found several patches of wild blueberries.
We ate them by the handful.
I also ate a similar looking berry.
I'm not dead yet..

-------------

Third day in the wild
Date: July 19th, 2015
I currently hear: The wind blowing in the birch trees
Location: Lake Richie, "base camp"

Last night my brother and I played cards.
We also smoked some cigarettes that had been left as a gift to future campers.
I hadn't smoked for many years and don't miss it at all.
We've set ourselves up at a great camp overlooking Lake Richie,
which we hope to be fishing in later this evening.
We've finally gotten away from most of the other campers/hikers.

----------------

Fourth day
Date: July 20th, 2015
I currently hear: A speed boat on the lake and cicadas chirping
Location: 3 Mile Campground, 3-sided shelter

Last night we fished for a long while.
I kept getting close calls.
Once I had a large pike hooked.
It bit the line in two.
We kept casting our line out until the sun set.
Sleep was difficult for me.
My finger was throbbing with pain for some reason.
The wind was blowing and I could hear the wolves howling nearby.
The duct tape covering Chia's hole had fallen off in the night.
My head lamps lit up dozens of mosquitos that had gotten in through the night.
I eventually decided that sleep was not going to come to me.
I made my way down to the lakeshore where I prayed and meditated
as the early morning light began to surround me.
I got Benjamin up to witness the glory of the daybreak.
We then gave fishing another go.
This time I attached a steel lead between my line and lure.
I hooked another pike soon enough and it was quite a struggle between the two of us.
He dove under and around a submerged, fallen tree.
This took the control away from me.
He then managed to sever the line further up, above the lead.
No fish, two of the only lures that they were biting were gone.
So we had oatmeal for breakfast.
We then took off on an ambitious hike all the way to 3 Mile Campground.
We saw wolf tracks on the way back.
If all goes well we will be leaving Rock Harbor at 9 A.M. in the morning, the day after tomorrow.

heavy rain, heavy work, and changing times

I spent yesterday
in the shelter of a greenhouse

rain came heavy

work came heavy

continous
deafening
a deluge
relieved of my duty
to think of another thing to say
to keep the conversation going

This morning
I found myself in the company
of good men

a beekeeper
a maintenance man
a builder
a hunter
a cattle rancher
a sheet metal worker
and a farmer

we worked together to rebuild
a neighbor's hoophouse that had been damaged
during the winter
it felt similar to what I've read
of an old-fashioned barn raising

there was talk of
the seasons crops
weather
construction methods
and changing times

when I get home
I sleep better
than I have in weeks

The City of Brotherly Love

I am currently sitting in The Free Library of Philadelphia,

wrapping up the memoir of Jerry Dennis's sailing of the great lakes.

Never having visited this city until now, I can say that I am happy for the experience.

In the center of the 5th largest city in the United States and I don't hate it.

Easier to Breathe (The Orchard House)

To find a place in which time passes so fast

that you wish it would stop altogether

A place where you smile more often
and find it easier to breathe

To have a place such as this is a blessing
To realize it before you leave it behind is even more of a blessing

These past few days I have spent my time
fixing my father's bicycle
listening to stories at my grandparents feet

canning juice from grapes that my folks grew and harvested
playing late night games of scrabble

setting aside bushels of walnuts to dry for food during the winter months

sitting on the porch and watching storms roll in

cooking a three course meal with mother

covering the woodpile to shelter it from the ever-approaching winter
and fixing my fishing rod

The country is where I return to
when my job in the city is done for the week
This orchard house is where I find peace

A simple, beautiful life
is all that I hope for now-a-days

Amidst the seasons
where I can see the stars shine brightly
Walk into the wilderness
and ponder existence

wax hearts and clay hearts

our love was fast
it was heated
with arguments
and make-ups

it was over
and then
it would start
once more

cigarette-burned fingers fumbling

the wax from the candle

heated
melted
reformed
and
heated again

she handed me
a small wax heart
but love does not
last very long

our love was slow
it was calm
with laughter
and forgiveness

it began
and spanned
an eternity

soil-covered fingers forming

the clay from the earth

soft
malleable
hardened
by the sun

she handed me
a small clay heart
because real love
lasts a very long time

i never make promises

because they can be difficult to keep
as well as, I can not stand to break them

why not just let life happens as it does?
with no promises
we are free to act upon
our own will and judgement

this way of thinking and living
empowers me to make the "right" decisions
based solely on situational factors

of course, without being said,
there are some aspects of life
that should not require
any words of honor
to provide appropriate action(s)

such as loyalty to a committed partner
or
frequent communication with a beloved sibling
or
protection and care for a domesticated pet

To promise or not to promise?
What do these spoken treaties mean, if anything?

wilderness

The original plan
for my current get-away
was to take a trip to the wilderness
with my youngest brother.

We didn't finalize any details
until 2 hours before our planned departure
including how we would get there
and where we were going.

Hitchhiking is always preferred
but he had to be home in time
to return to work.

So we opted to drive,
rarely an option for us.

It must have been divine intervention
that caused this thought to occur.
We can only imagine what would have become of us
if we hadn't a vehicle.

We found two perfect trees to tie our cordage between,
secured two shorter lengths with a square knot,
and staked our tarp into the ground.

A pit had already been dug by previous campers,
plenty of dead-fall was to be found,
and we spent an hour gathering and stacking
tinder, kindling, squaw wood, and bulk fuel firewood

I sensed that it was going to soon be raining.
So we utilized the jeep as a dry storage option,
even keeping some uncut, downed trees underneath the carriage

By the time that we had finished our work
the rain started to fall.
We made it to our shelter
watching the beauty of the forest from inside.

Our first issue was realized when no immediate water source was found.
We had the remainder of water that we had filled our canteens with from home
but this was all.
We had planned to boil water from a nearby river
which happened to be much further away than we had thought.
We also only had two small water bottles to store any gathered water in.

Research of the area before arrival is crucial
we knew this, but were to scatter-brained during our "planning" session.

Another issue was having packed too lightly.
this is something that I often pride myself on
but we had an entire vehicle to fill.

It was a restless night for me.
The mosquitoes and other biting/stinging insects had their way with me.
The rain was loud, beating against the tarp.
But after I settled into my sleeping bag
I eventually drifted off.
Morning felt like it would never come.

We woke and started our first fire
with our dry wood.
After the ashes were hot and ready
we got our baked beans ready.

No can opener
so we attempted to slice them open with our knives.
I accidentally caught my finger on the raggedly cut, tin lid

My hands were black from handling charred wood and dirt.
But the blood was very visible.
My pocket hand sanitizer made it's debut
and it burned like fire

My bandanna was now home
to not only mucus and baked beans
but also dried blood.

I cooked my beans in their can
buried in the red hot coals.
Benjamin tried his luck in a mess kit pan
over the fire
on top of a hand-fashioned, wooden grate.

We soon headed out to hike through the expanse
Our bags filled.
Our water topped off.
We hit the unmarked, unkept trails.

We used a map and a compass to navigate.
After 7 hours we were back to the trailhead
with darker complexions and tired eyes.

Back at camp we read and fell asleep.
Upon waking up we started our second fire
and cooked our second meal,
mixed greens and cheddar broccoli soup.
Food has tasted better and had less ash in it
but it wasn't awful.

A leak in the jeep's gas tank
brought our traveling to a halt.
However,
many lessons were learned and
much improvisation was had.

On the late night drive home
we stopped to get drive-thru pizza
and gas station Slurpees;
so that I could keep my eyes open
and not end our excursion even sooner.

Blackjack & Bottle Rockets

i needed to get away from the city
it continues to be too much for me

i am blessed with a great living situation
and a great career
but I just seem to lose my mind
after a year or so

i have gotten to the point where I accept this
and admit to it a year in advance

I told my current employer
that if they really wanted me back
then they must know
that I would take at least a month off
in the warmer months

I still have the job, so
I decided to split the month in half
half now at the beginning of July
half at the end of August

So I tied up all of my loose ends in the city
and got on my bicycle
against the wind (21 mph)
against the heat (83 degrees Fahrenheit)

I made it to The Orchard House
25 miles in 2 hours

I played cards with my mother
I worked outdoors
in the sunshine

I shaved my head and face
for the first time in many months
I look like a new man.

I cooked and baked
for our celebration of independence
from Great Britain
and of dependence
on our corrupt governmental systems

The evening of the 4th ended
around a campfire
surrounded by white christmas lights
the sound of explosions all around

I kept lighting off too many bottle rockets
all at once\

We watched the fireflies
light up the backyard
as the sun set
over the apple trees

Disconnect (Bagel Shop Freak)

i was recently sitting in a bagel shop
waiting for a friend.

Only one other customer was present
a friend of the two employees.
They all sat together and talked of nothing
but slandered others that they knew.

I never saw them set their smart phones down.
They seemed to always be glued to their hands
as well as to their eyes,
even while in discussion with one another.

In the modern world
it is common in any moment of waiting
or any other possible silence
that my generation must fill
a self-constructed void.

Mostly with
thin-film transistor liquid crystal displays.

What did 20-year-olds do before 
the invention of portable screens?
Did they sit still and quiet, like myself?

I find it healing to take time away
from technology
for long periods at a time.

I was an absolute freak sitting in this bagel shop
with nothing to "kill the time"
but my own thoughts
and imagination.

I was not bored
And I was not concerned 
with other places
or other people.
How very un-hip of me.

hostile world (makarios)

i do my best to learn from every experience
every circumstance
every beautiful day
every abysmal day

sometimes it seems that my current situation
is so exceptional
or so ghastly
that the constructs of reality seem to fall in around me

i have been reminded today of many things.

1. My loved ones should always take precedence over anyone else.
    Autumn, my enchanting partner,
    Benjamin, my best friend for all time,
    My Mother & Father, who taught me how to love,
    Warmhearted friends across the world, that I have met during this lifelong exploit
    They deserve my compassion and time more

2. A lack of sleep
    A trouble that I haven't' had since my teenage years
    A lack of sustenance
    A handful of nuts and a bell pepper won't cut it for an entire day of labor
    A cup of coffee
    A convenient "aid" that leaves me feeling worse at the end than ever before
    this all brings me to
    A recipe for emotional and spiritual disaster.

3. To be truly free
     I need do exactly what I want
     When I want.
     I need to know when something is damaging
     And do everything in my power to avoid that something.
     It sounds difficult sometimes.
     But it is so damn easy.

4. To simply enjoy life is to be happy.
    To simply enjoy what you have
    And what you do not have.
    If you don't know what you want
    Then you end up with a lot that you don't.
    Simplistic contentment isn't something to be mocked for.

5. We all have different needs
    Some people need to feel like they are in charge
    Some people fear being in charge
    It is never possible to meet everyone's needs.
    If you try to make everyone happy,
    to be everyone's friend,
    then you will never be happy.

In ancient Greece there was a word used specifically for the feeling that one has when experiencing happiness. This word is makarios.
To be content.
To know your place.
To be delighted with this place.

(E. Randolph Richards & Brandon J. O’Brien, Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes)

It seemed too perfect
"My dream job"
I couldn't quite believe it when I rode away
with a smile on my face.

It seemed too awful
"My nightmare job"
I couldn't quite believe it when I rode away
with a blank, emotionless face.

I didn't want to do anything when I got home.
I was exhausted, but I didn't want to sleep.
I was famished, but I didn't want to eat.
The thought of existing was almost too much to bear.

It seemed to ease my mind
"On Second Thought"
I couldn't believe that it had come and gone so quickly
with a smile on my face.

Nothing feels quite like quitting a job that you hate,
or in this case, a job that I was almost certain that I was going to.

Thank G_D for the present, the past, and the future.
Thank The Almighty for lessons learned and lessons relearned.
Thank The All-Knowing for my current state of makarios.

Her Return Home

the thought of her return home

had kept me awake the past few nights.

i could meet her at the bus station

if i was to make it there in time.

it had begun raining

but i was not going to take the time

to put on my rain jacket.

I cycled through the train station

around and around

past the "no bicycle"signs

she was no where to be found.

I would later know that she had seen me

as her bus was pulling away from the station

she cried as the space between us grew, once more

traffic was not a concern to me

I weaved around cars

only half hoping that they would stop

as I walked my bicycle up the sidewalk

she appeared from around the block

three large bags in her arms

She dropped her bags

We held each other on the porch for an eternity

The rain was our music.

I do not feel empty any longer.

Madly Musing in Madison

i could not take my eyes off of the moon
it was large and red
cut in half by the horizon

she seemed to have a fear of silence
so she spoke constantly
to scare the quiet away

last minute decisions are the always right
the water was cold, the water was hot
we could have stayed in the water all night

the environment frightened me
i was lost, drowning
a sea of nervous, cold faces

i became much closer
with my clan, my tribe
my cooperative family

it reminded me too much of college
small, bland room
power point presentation
pressure to take notes

lecture
soliloquy
monologue

when i cared too much
i was desperate
when i did not care at all
i was invisible
when i cared just enough
i was golden

i needed more fresh air
i couldn't stand still for long
i wanted to experience the city

rain, to wash clean, sunlight, to dry (our outstretched hands and souls)

such is life.

we laugh, we cry.

the worst day of your life

could be followed by the absolute best.

i have gained so much from this existence

but this is easily forgotten when the skies overhead darken

charred black with misconstrued actions and words

she left the windows to our bedroom open

to let the summer breeze dance through the laced curtains.

i led her outside

and showed her how to gently bury the roots.

my prediction had been that a storm was on the way.

soon the sky was stone grey

the rain came in a wave

as it does in the ocean

rain, 

to wash clean

it wouldn't last long, i said.

we finished our work on time

for the sunlight,

to dry 

our outstretched hands and souls

the floor of our bedroom was damp

with the early summer rain.

my hands were covered in damp earth

and i smiled.

last night (she is in the northern country)

my stomach is sick
i woke up at 4 A.M.
this morning.
it had to be evening,
though,
i thought.
because i am alone
in my bed.
my eyes would barely open.
there was more light outside
than there should have been.
i had not gone into work.
time to find a new job.
but i fell back asleep.
she was in the northern country
and wouldn't be back home
for 2 more weeks.
i am alone.
my eyes are red.
i did not sleep well
last night.

ˈīrənē,ˈiərnē/

Our room reflects
the state of our life so perfectly;
it is in disarray,
as are we.
No time
to make the bed
No time to apologize
for what I said.
No time to talk
of what we are really thinking.

Our clothes are thrown about
much like our hearts
after the falling out.

You've lived in this room
without me for the past few days.
You told me in a message
that you missed me
like never before.

We don't talk to each other
the way that we do in our letters.
Our letters to each other are so romantic.

The irony of my excitement
to show you
the cross that my brother tattooed
on my ankle.
It was done with a sewing needle
in a bedroom.
You cried
when I said goodbye to you
this morning.

All of my heroes
have died.
they were dead
by the time that I had read of them.
I am slowly,
oh so slowly,
realizing that there are no heroes.
No one can meet the standards
that we set for them
once they are dead.

To love is to agonize over another's happiness
in place of your own.
How is it that I have never felt this
for another before?
I suppose that I have never known love.
Thank you for the pain, My Love.
It feels so good to be in love.
It hurts so bad to be in love.
Contradiction and uncertainty
make life worth living.

The irony of my excitement
to hold you in my arms again.

Safe Travels, Thank You, Lord

I was able to pull my travel bag
off of it's hook in the back of my closet
this morning.
The first time since winter hit.

I decided that I was going to hitch
to the country
to my folk's house in the orchard.

It was time for our maple trees to be tapped
and there was work to be done.

A bus ride to the outskirts of the city
Lady luck was with me
I caught three rides
with little effort.
23 miles covered in the cars of strangers.

But alas
My journey was almost complete.
No strangers stopped
for the shivering traveler
in his trapper hat
walking alongside the road
of his childhood years.
3 miles covered on foot.

Clouds filled most of the sky
but a wind was coming from the west
"which is the best"
and a good sign of no precipitation to come
in the next 12 hours

The sun would burst through
every few minutes
and I would look up
long enough to warm my face

I was shouting Fall Out Boy lyrics
and enjoying scenery and sounds
that had become foreign to me.

Such as the squeak of my alice pack frame
every time I lift my left foot.

I miss the natural beauty of a backwoods landscape.
I miss the silence that a life in the country brings.

And as always
I began questioning
why it is so difficult
for us to JUST LIVE.
Without a need
for more
that we don't need.

Thank you, Lord,
For my safe travels.

Nightmares of The Workplace

This morning I woke from a frightful dream
It felt so real that I truly believed that it had happened.

I was prepared to pack my things and move into my parents house.
The thought of job-hunting terrified me.

It seemed a normal day.
But when I arrived at work..
I was called into speak with my boss.
She told me that they "just had to let me go."
I was devastated.
The best job of my life.
It was over.

My depression soon vanished.
I remembered a quote from one of my favorite books,

“Getting fired is the best thing that could happen to any of us. 

That way, we’d quit treading water and do something with our lives.”

I was free.

Simply so.

I went to pick up my last paycheck

and thanked my manager

for her part in my liberation.

As I slowly gained consciousness

I smiled.

I didn't have to go to work 

because I no longer had a job.

Then I realized that it had only been

successions of images, ideas, emotions, ands sensations

that had occurred involuntarily in my mind

during my sleep cycle.