wax hearts and clay hearts

our love was fast
it was heated
with arguments
and make-ups

it was over
and then
it would start
once more

cigarette-burned fingers fumbling

the wax from the candle

heated
melted
reformed
and
heated again

she handed me
a small wax heart
but love does not
last very long

our love was slow
it was calm
with laughter
and forgiveness

it began
and spanned
an eternity

soil-covered fingers forming

the clay from the earth

soft
malleable
hardened
by the sun

she handed me
a small clay heart
because real love
lasts a very long time

i never make promises

because they can be difficult to keep
as well as, I can not stand to break them

why not just let life happens as it does?
with no promises
we are free to act upon
our own will and judgement

this way of thinking and living
empowers me to make the "right" decisions
based solely on situational factors

of course, without being said,
there are some aspects of life
that should not require
any words of honor
to provide appropriate action(s)

such as loyalty to a committed partner
or
frequent communication with a beloved sibling
or
protection and care for a domesticated pet

To promise or not to promise?
What do these spoken treaties mean, if anything?

wilderness

The original plan
for my current get-away
was to take a trip to the wilderness
with my youngest brother.

We didn't finalize any details
until 2 hours before our planned departure
including how we would get there
and where we were going.

Hitchhiking is always preferred
but he had to be home in time
to return to work.

So we opted to drive,
rarely an option for us.

It must have been divine intervention
that caused this thought to occur.
We can only imagine what would have become of us
if we hadn't a vehicle.

We found two perfect trees to tie our cordage between,
secured two shorter lengths with a square knot,
and staked our tarp into the ground.

A pit had already been dug by previous campers,
plenty of dead-fall was to be found,
and we spent an hour gathering and stacking
tinder, kindling, squaw wood, and bulk fuel firewood

I sensed that it was going to soon be raining.
So we utilized the jeep as a dry storage option,
even keeping some uncut, downed trees underneath the carriage

By the time that we had finished our work
the rain started to fall.
We made it to our shelter
watching the beauty of the forest from inside.

Our first issue was realized when no immediate water source was found.
We had the remainder of water that we had filled our canteens with from home
but this was all.
We had planned to boil water from a nearby river
which happened to be much further away than we had thought.
We also only had two small water bottles to store any gathered water in.

Research of the area before arrival is crucial
we knew this, but were to scatter-brained during our "planning" session.

Another issue was having packed too lightly.
this is something that I often pride myself on
but we had an entire vehicle to fill.

It was a restless night for me.
The mosquitoes and other biting/stinging insects had their way with me.
The rain was loud, beating against the tarp.
But after I settled into my sleeping bag
I eventually drifted off.
Morning felt like it would never come.

We woke and started our first fire
with our dry wood.
After the ashes were hot and ready
we got our baked beans ready.

No can opener
so we attempted to slice them open with our knives.
I accidentally caught my finger on the raggedly cut, tin lid

My hands were black from handling charred wood and dirt.
But the blood was very visible.
My pocket hand sanitizer made it's debut
and it burned like fire

My bandanna was now home
to not only mucus and baked beans
but also dried blood.

I cooked my beans in their can
buried in the red hot coals.
Benjamin tried his luck in a mess kit pan
over the fire
on top of a hand-fashioned, wooden grate.

We soon headed out to hike through the expanse
Our bags filled.
Our water topped off.
We hit the unmarked, unkept trails.

We used a map and a compass to navigate.
After 7 hours we were back to the trailhead
with darker complexions and tired eyes.

Back at camp we read and fell asleep.
Upon waking up we started our second fire
and cooked our second meal,
mixed greens and cheddar broccoli soup.
Food has tasted better and had less ash in it
but it wasn't awful.

A leak in the jeep's gas tank
brought our traveling to a halt.
However,
many lessons were learned and
much improvisation was had.

On the late night drive home
we stopped to get drive-thru pizza
and gas station Slurpees;
so that I could keep my eyes open
and not end our excursion even sooner.

Blackjack & Bottle Rockets

i needed to get away from the city
it continues to be too much for me

i am blessed with a great living situation
and a great career
but I just seem to lose my mind
after a year or so

i have gotten to the point where I accept this
and admit to it a year in advance

I told my current employer
that if they really wanted me back
then they must know
that I would take at least a month off
in the warmer months

I still have the job, so
I decided to split the month in half
half now at the beginning of July
half at the end of August

So I tied up all of my loose ends in the city
and got on my bicycle
against the wind (21 mph)
against the heat (83 degrees Fahrenheit)

I made it to The Orchard House
25 miles in 2 hours

I played cards with my mother
I worked outdoors
in the sunshine

I shaved my head and face
for the first time in many months
I look like a new man.

I cooked and baked
for our celebration of independence
from Great Britain
and of dependence
on our corrupt governmental systems

The evening of the 4th ended
around a campfire
surrounded by white christmas lights
the sound of explosions all around

I kept lighting off too many bottle rockets
all at once\

We watched the fireflies
light up the backyard
as the sun set
over the apple trees

Disconnect (Bagel Shop Freak)

i was recently sitting in a bagel shop
waiting for a friend.

Only one other customer was present
a friend of the two employees.
They all sat together and talked of nothing
but slandered others that they knew.

I never saw them set their smart phones down.
They seemed to always be glued to their hands
as well as to their eyes,
even while in discussion with one another.

In the modern world
it is common in any moment of waiting
or any other possible silence
that my generation must fill
a self-constructed void.

Mostly with
thin-film transistor liquid crystal displays.

What did 20-year-olds do before 
the invention of portable screens?
Did they sit still and quiet, like myself?

I find it healing to take time away
from technology
for long periods at a time.

I was an absolute freak sitting in this bagel shop
with nothing to "kill the time"
but my own thoughts
and imagination.

I was not bored
And I was not concerned 
with other places
or other people.
How very un-hip of me.

hostile world (makarios)

i do my best to learn from every experience
every circumstance
every beautiful day
every abysmal day

sometimes it seems that my current situation
is so exceptional
or so ghastly
that the constructs of reality seem to fall in around me

i have been reminded today of many things.

1. My loved ones should always take precedence over anyone else.
    Autumn, my enchanting partner,
    Benjamin, my best friend for all time,
    My Mother & Father, who taught me how to love,
    Warmhearted friends across the world, that I have met during this lifelong exploit
    They deserve my compassion and time more

2. A lack of sleep
    A trouble that I haven't' had since my teenage years
    A lack of sustenance
    A handful of nuts and a bell pepper won't cut it for an entire day of labor
    A cup of coffee
    A convenient "aid" that leaves me feeling worse at the end than ever before
    this all brings me to
    A recipe for emotional and spiritual disaster.

3. To be truly free
     I need do exactly what I want
     When I want.
     I need to know when something is damaging
     And do everything in my power to avoid that something.
     It sounds difficult sometimes.
     But it is so damn easy.

4. To simply enjoy life is to be happy.
    To simply enjoy what you have
    And what you do not have.
    If you don't know what you want
    Then you end up with a lot that you don't.
    Simplistic contentment isn't something to be mocked for.

5. We all have different needs
    Some people need to feel like they are in charge
    Some people fear being in charge
    It is never possible to meet everyone's needs.
    If you try to make everyone happy,
    to be everyone's friend,
    then you will never be happy.

In ancient Greece there was a word used specifically for the feeling that one has when experiencing happiness. This word is makarios.
To be content.
To know your place.
To be delighted with this place.

(E. Randolph Richards & Brandon J. O’Brien, Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes)

It seemed too perfect
"My dream job"
I couldn't quite believe it when I rode away
with a smile on my face.

It seemed too awful
"My nightmare job"
I couldn't quite believe it when I rode away
with a blank, emotionless face.

I didn't want to do anything when I got home.
I was exhausted, but I didn't want to sleep.
I was famished, but I didn't want to eat.
The thought of existing was almost too much to bear.

It seemed to ease my mind
"On Second Thought"
I couldn't believe that it had come and gone so quickly
with a smile on my face.

Nothing feels quite like quitting a job that you hate,
or in this case, a job that I was almost certain that I was going to.

Thank G_D for the present, the past, and the future.
Thank The Almighty for lessons learned and lessons relearned.
Thank The All-Knowing for my current state of makarios.

Her Return Home

the thought of her return home

had kept me awake the past few nights.

i could meet her at the bus station

if i was to make it there in time.

it had begun raining

but i was not going to take the time

to put on my rain jacket.

I cycled through the train station

around and around

past the "no bicycle"signs

she was no where to be found.

I would later know that she had seen me

as her bus was pulling away from the station

she cried as the space between us grew, once more

traffic was not a concern to me

I weaved around cars

only half hoping that they would stop

as I walked my bicycle up the sidewalk

she appeared from around the block

three large bags in her arms

She dropped her bags

We held each other on the porch for an eternity

The rain was our music.

I do not feel empty any longer.