more often
or even at all,
Q. When was the last time that I remember experiencing happiness?
A. I must keep in mind that most of my memories are distorted with time. It seems so easy to forget the unpleasant aspects of certain recollections. My point being how simple it is to look back and dwell on the "good times." Romanticizing certain moments in time seems to be a fairly common human trait. An example being a relationship that may have had very little positive impact on you, if any at all. After some time has passed, you may look back and think that it "really wasn't all that bad, in fact, it may be worth getting back together." So.. experiencing true happiness? How am I able to tell what is real and what isn't? When am I just faking a smile to get through the work day and when am I actually enjoying myself? It is very difficult for me to distinguish after the fact. In the current moment it is much easier for me to grasp a subject as intangible as an emotional response to my surroundings, happiness. An easier question might be..
Q. What elements seem to be present during moments in which I am at peace with myself and the world around me?
A. That sounds much better. When I am in the presence of my loved ones I am able to laugh and breathe with ease. Spending my days in the countryside, as opposed to the city, seems to keep my mind in a much healthier state. Whatever increases my perception of the "speed" at which time is passing is what helps me find contentment. Family is one of the most important aspects to me in this life. My mother, father, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and fiancée are what I like to focus on most of the time. Spending time with them is paramount because there is no way of telling how much more time we have together in the physical world. I always comment at family gatherings how blessed we all are to still be able to gather. Working with my hands helps me to feel relevant and accomplished. This is mostly apparent in my agricultural work. The short answer being.. my loved ones, a rural environment, time for solitude, and working with my hands for a living.
Q. Where do I want to be in 10 years?
A. Living a simple life with my family on a small sustenance farm. I hope to find myself at the end of a long day of work, sitting on my front porch with my wife, children, and brother. I'll be picking away at the banjo and drinking homemade alcohol from a mason jar. My hands will be calloused and darkened from soil and sun. I hope to be keeping busy with handyman projects around the house and farm. My mornings will start early and I won't be in bed until I know that my family (animals included) are safe and sound.
Q. How does the concept of a higher power fit into my life?
A. As I study and experience more everyday, I come closer to the conclusion that I can not walk any spiritual path that I have not formulated for myself. How authentic can any belief system be if it is not one's true own creation? Being raised in a religious cult has been a huge blessing to me, in this sense. It is much easier to see the need for a change when your theology has so many holes in it. If I had been raised in a more "normal" faith, I may have never seen any reason to begin questioning in the ways that I have. In was raised in a conservative Christian household. And from what I've seen in my own life, as well as the lives of those around me, this is rarely an aspect of an upbringing that sticks. Fortunately, my parents began to see a few of the many errors within the doctrines of the Seventh Day Adventist church. I was at a young age and was subject to their own religious progression. I am also very blessed by this event in my life. I am now at an age where I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. I crave history, philosophy, theology, etc, etc. To realize that there are infinite "truths" out there in the world excites me. I am tearing down walls (that had been built over the course of 20+ years) within my mind on a daily basis. I could write an entire treatise on my thoughts for a hundred different specific sub-catergories in the realm of belief. To answer a question that I deem quite unanswerable for myself at this point in my life, at least, I am attempting to "re-figure it out". I do not believe in the god of my childhood. I do believe that every single Christian (or adherent to any other faith, for that matter) is worshiping a god that meets their unique needs. I do not believe that we can even begin to comprehend anything at all of this otherworldly power. I do believe that anthropomorphizing and personalizing this god is dangerous and unhealthy, at the least, for me personally. I do believe that "He" has revealed "Himself" to us in a number of ways that we can relate to. I do believe that I can find comfort in the mystery and unknowableness of such a reality (much like the ancient Greek Orthodox church). This is as far as I can admit to having come on my newest journey into redefining my faith as of recently.
Q. How does the concept of a higher power fit into my life?
A. As I study and experience more everyday, I come closer to the conclusion that I can not walk any spiritual path that I have not formulated for myself. How authentic can any belief system be if it is not one's true own creation? Being raised in a religious cult has been a huge blessing to me, in this sense. It is much easier to see the need for a change when your theology has so many holes in it. If I had been raised in a more "normal" faith, I may have never seen any reason to begin questioning in the ways that I have. In was raised in a conservative Christian household. And from what I've seen in my own life, as well as the lives of those around me, this is rarely an aspect of an upbringing that sticks. Fortunately, my parents began to see a few of the many errors within the doctrines of the Seventh Day Adventist church. I was at a young age and was subject to their own religious progression. I am also very blessed by this event in my life. I am now at an age where I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. I crave history, philosophy, theology, etc, etc. To realize that there are infinite "truths" out there in the world excites me. I am tearing down walls (that had been built over the course of 20+ years) within my mind on a daily basis. I could write an entire treatise on my thoughts for a hundred different specific sub-catergories in the realm of belief. To answer a question that I deem quite unanswerable for myself at this point in my life, at least, I am attempting to "re-figure it out". I do not believe in the god of my childhood. I do believe that every single Christian (or adherent to any other faith, for that matter) is worshiping a god that meets their unique needs. I do not believe that we can even begin to comprehend anything at all of this otherworldly power. I do believe that anthropomorphizing and personalizing this god is dangerous and unhealthy, at the least, for me personally. I do believe that "He" has revealed "Himself" to us in a number of ways that we can relate to. I do believe that I can find comfort in the mystery and unknowableness of such a reality (much like the ancient Greek Orthodox church). This is as far as I can admit to having come on my newest journey into redefining my faith as of recently.
Q. What do I fear the most?
A. I find the idea of disharmony between people that I love (and myself) to be extremely terrifying. Attached to every relationship that I have ever had or ever witnessed is this self-imposed fragility. Even when I know that I am loved deeply by someone, I feel as if our connection could be shattered by a single word. This is probably my most significant fear, losing someone's love in a moment's time. Even though I see how unrealistic this belief is, I can not convince myself that it is any other way.
