Disconnect (Bagel Shop Freak)

i was recently sitting in a bagel shop
waiting for a friend.

Only one other customer was present
a friend of the two employees.
They all sat together and talked of nothing
but slandered others that they knew.

I never saw them set their smart phones down.
They seemed to always be glued to their hands
as well as to their eyes,
even while in discussion with one another.

In the modern world
it is common in any moment of waiting
or any other possible silence
that my generation must fill
a self-constructed void.

Mostly with
thin-film transistor liquid crystal displays.

What did 20-year-olds do before 
the invention of portable screens?
Did they sit still and quiet, like myself?

I find it healing to take time away
from technology
for long periods at a time.

I was an absolute freak sitting in this bagel shop
with nothing to "kill the time"
but my own thoughts
and imagination.

I was not bored
And I was not concerned 
with other places
or other people.
How very un-hip of me.

hostile world (makarios)

i do my best to learn from every experience
every circumstance
every beautiful day
every abysmal day

sometimes it seems that my current situation
is so exceptional
or so ghastly
that the constructs of reality seem to fall in around me

i have been reminded today of many things.

1. My loved ones should always take precedence over anyone else.
    Autumn, my enchanting partner,
    Benjamin, my best friend for all time,
    My Mother & Father, who taught me how to love,
    Warmhearted friends across the world, that I have met during this lifelong exploit
    They deserve my compassion and time more

2. A lack of sleep
    A trouble that I haven't' had since my teenage years
    A lack of sustenance
    A handful of nuts and a bell pepper won't cut it for an entire day of labor
    A cup of coffee
    A convenient "aid" that leaves me feeling worse at the end than ever before
    this all brings me to
    A recipe for emotional and spiritual disaster.

3. To be truly free
     I need do exactly what I want
     When I want.
     I need to know when something is damaging
     And do everything in my power to avoid that something.
     It sounds difficult sometimes.
     But it is so damn easy.

4. To simply enjoy life is to be happy.
    To simply enjoy what you have
    And what you do not have.
    If you don't know what you want
    Then you end up with a lot that you don't.
    Simplistic contentment isn't something to be mocked for.

5. We all have different needs
    Some people need to feel like they are in charge
    Some people fear being in charge
    It is never possible to meet everyone's needs.
    If you try to make everyone happy,
    to be everyone's friend,
    then you will never be happy.

In ancient Greece there was a word used specifically for the feeling that one has when experiencing happiness. This word is makarios.
To be content.
To know your place.
To be delighted with this place.

(E. Randolph Richards & Brandon J. O’Brien, Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes)

It seemed too perfect
"My dream job"
I couldn't quite believe it when I rode away
with a smile on my face.

It seemed too awful
"My nightmare job"
I couldn't quite believe it when I rode away
with a blank, emotionless face.

I didn't want to do anything when I got home.
I was exhausted, but I didn't want to sleep.
I was famished, but I didn't want to eat.
The thought of existing was almost too much to bear.

It seemed to ease my mind
"On Second Thought"
I couldn't believe that it had come and gone so quickly
with a smile on my face.

Nothing feels quite like quitting a job that you hate,
or in this case, a job that I was almost certain that I was going to.

Thank G_D for the present, the past, and the future.
Thank The Almighty for lessons learned and lessons relearned.
Thank The All-Knowing for my current state of makarios.

Her Return Home

the thought of her return home

had kept me awake the past few nights.

i could meet her at the bus station

if i was to make it there in time.

it had begun raining

but i was not going to take the time

to put on my rain jacket.

I cycled through the train station

around and around

past the "no bicycle"signs

she was no where to be found.

I would later know that she had seen me

as her bus was pulling away from the station

she cried as the space between us grew, once more

traffic was not a concern to me

I weaved around cars

only half hoping that they would stop

as I walked my bicycle up the sidewalk

she appeared from around the block

three large bags in her arms

She dropped her bags

We held each other on the porch for an eternity

The rain was our music.

I do not feel empty any longer.

Madly Musing in Madison

i could not take my eyes off of the moon
it was large and red
cut in half by the horizon

she seemed to have a fear of silence
so she spoke constantly
to scare the quiet away

last minute decisions are the always right
the water was cold, the water was hot
we could have stayed in the water all night

the environment frightened me
i was lost, drowning
a sea of nervous, cold faces

i became much closer
with my clan, my tribe
my cooperative family

it reminded me too much of college
small, bland room
power point presentation
pressure to take notes

lecture
soliloquy
monologue

when i cared too much
i was desperate
when i did not care at all
i was invisible
when i cared just enough
i was golden

i needed more fresh air
i couldn't stand still for long
i wanted to experience the city

rain, to wash clean, sunlight, to dry (our outstretched hands and souls)

such is life.

we laugh, we cry.

the worst day of your life

could be followed by the absolute best.

i have gained so much from this existence

but this is easily forgotten when the skies overhead darken

charred black with misconstrued actions and words

she left the windows to our bedroom open

to let the summer breeze dance through the laced curtains.

i led her outside

and showed her how to gently bury the roots.

my prediction had been that a storm was on the way.

soon the sky was stone grey

the rain came in a wave

as it does in the ocean

rain, 

to wash clean

it wouldn't last long, i said.

we finished our work on time

for the sunlight,

to dry 

our outstretched hands and souls

the floor of our bedroom was damp

with the early summer rain.

my hands were covered in damp earth

and i smiled.

last night (she is in the northern country)

my stomach is sick
i woke up at 4 A.M.
this morning.
it had to be evening,
though,
i thought.
because i am alone
in my bed.
my eyes would barely open.
there was more light outside
than there should have been.
i had not gone into work.
time to find a new job.
but i fell back asleep.
she was in the northern country
and wouldn't be back home
for 2 more weeks.
i am alone.
my eyes are red.
i did not sleep well
last night.