Sea Change (Everyone Can)

The very first poetry that I ever wrote read like this:
"I feel as if my conscience, my morals, have left me behind. Alone with my sins and the darkest soul known to man."

I was still a devout christian at this early time in my life. And nothing could have shaken that... except for the girls that would shortly come into my life.

Pieces of my "God" still fragmented, rose to the surface throughout...
In fact, i'm not sure when, but sometime after i had filled two journals of my writing,  I went through and tore out any trace of my Christian past and burned the pages. Some pages still remained only partially intact due to writing I wanted to keep on the back pages.

"Be your own god,
in myself i trust...
crucify me
lay yourselves before me"

"i feel an infinite coldness
reaching into my heart
why won't the sun just set"

I finished high school. I was with the same girl. I started college. I was an intoxicated mess.

"Too much sex, too little jesus."

I cried out to anyone, anything
"God, please take this pain away, I'm in agony, I need help."

"i didn't like who i was, but now i hate who i've become."

"I'm so depressed that I need something to take my mind off the fact that I'm living."

"DESPERATION
God please f***ing save me from myself.
I'm not feeling so well...
I need sleep, so badly
but the sun is about to
go down and it will be
time for me to come to life.
i need to fit into something,
anything, i need to feel a part.
i'm a part of this system
                    this machine
but i'm a jam in the gears."

"tears are swelling in my eyes...why can't anyone explain what is wrong with me? i know i'm not crazy...but if i'm not then what the f*** is wrong with me. my mind is still dark, but it guess it always was. i'm just a hell of a lot better at hiding it now. i want to kill myself somedays but other days i want to kill everyone around me."

Small changes came through interaction with my family. Their concern for my well-being and spiritual health was clear.

"so i've been trying this new thing recently, it's called g(G)od"

"I keep questioning if I'm different in more ways then the obvious. What is it about myself that attracts people like magnetism? Why has this magnetism been turned off recently? Why do I always get the girl? Why am I not dead? or in prison or an asylum where I belong? Thank you, God. You keep proving to me that I'm meant for something more. I'm going to change this world."

"WE don't NEED no TRUTHless heroes. I do not NEED anymore TRUTHless heroes." -Andrew Schwab

"I believe, but I haven't quite accepted yet..."

"i'm beginning to notice that i'm depending on god a lot more recently... it kind of scares me, but i'll be alright."

"How many times will it take for me to realize that God is the answer to all of my problems?"

"God is the only thing that can fill the gaps, not a cultural system of guidelines, organized behaviors, and rituals."

I spent a small amount of time working and living on a families homestead in the summer of 2011. It opened my eyes to how life could be. I transferred out of the Christian University that I had been attending to a much larger University in Kalamazoo, MI.

"everyday i come closer to the truth of myself and where i'm headed.
i'm in need of a change, a very big change in my life.
i need to get out of the smalltown that i call my home.
i need to not see my first love ever, ever again.
i need to get a motorcycle and a backpack to hold the very few possessions i am going to own.
i need to leave all of this behind, at least for now.
i need a new start."

"we talk of leaving this place behind
you told me what you thought of god
i told you to breathe in rhythm with the earth"

January 1st, 2012
2:25 a.m. - Deer Bourne, TN
"it's a new year and i'm far away. i just finished a discussion with my father about my future. topics ranged from the existence of a god to anarchism. it ended on a better note than i thought it was going to, half-way through. i guess i do believe in God, but i need to work things out in my head still. The winning argument stated that without someone up there watching over me AND having big plans for my future... I'd either be a father, in prison, dead, or a combination of the three. it's amazing that i'm as far through life as i am. So, thank you. As for this year... it's going to be one to remember. Hold on tight."

I dropped out of college. I decided that it wasn't necessary for me. That I wanted to live my life in protest of what we had been taught was the correct way to live.

March 14th - B&N
4:24 p.m. - people living their plastic lives
"Sure I believe in God. i also believe in theft, made-up stories, & passionate love-making. All of these things are a part of my day-to-day life."

May 10th?, 5:?? p.m.
Underneath railroad tracks, alongside a stream
"...My future also appears to be coming to light. I'm finding myself and becoming rather excited...As I pedaled all the way here, it hit me that there has been an almost shocking reason for my sudden change of character after high school. I realize now...that this time was necessary. If i hadn't lost touch with my dangerously extroverted self, I wouldn't have had the chance to give up alcohol and substance abuse as easily as I did. I also wouldn't have had time for all of the self-reflection that I've had recently. Thank you, God, for changing me."

I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I quit filling myself with poison. I wanted to live lucidly. The way that The Almighty had planned for me.

But were my future plans for free travel realistic? We departed for the U.P, 400 miles away in the middle of June.

June 25th Monday, 7:54 a.m.
Grand Rapids, MI - L.O.V.E., Nat King Cole
"Our journey is coming to an end. We've received almost 40 rides, accepted handouts, and free meals.  We've spent time on an indian reservation, participated in a summer solstice drum circle celebration, and took a ride in a police cruiser after we scared the locals.
I like to think that we've inspired may people with our ideas and energy. I know that people we've come in contact with have inspired me. This past week has taught me more than institution could in a decade. this is the most spiritual journey i've ever been on."

God was continuing to shape me, whether I was aware of this or not.

Sept. 5th Wednesday - 7:54 a.m.
The Collective - the fan and Katie washing the dishes
"I rose early this morning. I'm trying to KILL MY EGO. Yoga, prayer, and conversation comprised my earliest events today. i may have found my shining light. but there's a few things that she should know about me first. I don't use chemicals and I'm in touch with my spiritual self and The Creator."

Oct 4th, Thursday 2012 - 5:20 p.m.
Peoples Food Co-op Parking Lot/ Take It Away - the Used
"I felt the urge to return home last night, to the wild familiarity. The trees that framed my childhood and hung the stars. The rain that fell on the most beautiful of mornings. It was time to return. I needed quiet. I needed solitude. I needed no one. No one but my Creator. I wrapped a blanket around my chest and shaved scalp. I stepped across the wet earth, it's contact with my bare feet felt truer than most anything I'd ever been told to believe. I found myself on a hilltop. I sat still, hands folded. I talked with God like never before. I waited for Him to respond a few times but I don't think that I heard much of anything but the stillness of the breathing life around me. The entire happening feels to me as if it is caught in time. Nothing else seems to coincide . I just want to ride my bicycle further and further away from anything of societies construct. Tear my sweater off and feel the wind brush against my soul. I'm not going to eat anything today."

October 14th, Sunday 2012 - 9:52 a.m.
The Collective House/the fan and cars on wet pavement
"i was truly happy last night."

December 15th Sat 10:34 a.m.
Looking out my window to a grey sky/ Ben's humidifier
"Dearest Lord, My Creator,
Thank you for another morning, another day to wake and stretch. Another opportunity to learn and to teach. Lend me your love, your compassion, your patience. Allow me to open to those around me. To listen with a genuine heart. Most of all, My Savior, guide me as your light to the world throughout my day, bringing  hope and joy that will change the way that those around me see and experience. Amen."

January 9th Wed 8:38 a.m.
Broson Hospital - footsteps on tile, voices
"God. Early Morning (Soon to be common).
Hot Drinks. Winter Weather.
Conversation. Possible Interest.
Genuine Connection.
Beautiful Sunrise. Bicycle.
Fake Accent. Air of Authority.
Not to be Questioned. Wind in my Hair.
Realizations. Falling in Love.
Small City. Conclusion.
Tattoo Ink. Eternal Disciple.
Prayer. Change Within.
I heard God through the wind in my hair, as soon as I abled myself to remove my winter cap and listen.
Change must happen within and around the immediate surroundings before anymore can be hoped for.
Thank you, Creator, for this time.
Travel Soon. Study Now.
Departure Soon. Change Now.
Spiritual Nomad Soon. Disciple Now
& Forever More."