Easier to Breathe (The Orchard House)

To find a place in which time passes so fast

that you wish it would stop altogether

A place where you smile more often
and find it easier to breathe

To have a place such as this is a blessing
To realize it before you leave it behind is even more of a blessing

These past few days I have spent my time
fixing my father's bicycle
listening to stories at my grandparents feet

canning juice from grapes that my folks grew and harvested
playing late night games of scrabble

setting aside bushels of walnuts to dry for food during the winter months

sitting on the porch and watching storms roll in

cooking a three course meal with mother

covering the woodpile to shelter it from the ever-approaching winter
and fixing my fishing rod

The country is where I return to
when my job in the city is done for the week
This orchard house is where I find peace

A simple, beautiful life
is all that I hope for now-a-days

Amidst the seasons
where I can see the stars shine brightly
Walk into the wilderness
and ponder existence

wax hearts and clay hearts

our love was fast
it was heated
with arguments
and make-ups

it was over
and then
it would start
once more

cigarette-burned fingers fumbling

the wax from the candle

heated
melted
reformed
and
heated again

she handed me
a small wax heart
but love does not
last very long

our love was slow
it was calm
with laughter
and forgiveness

it began
and spanned
an eternity

soil-covered fingers forming

the clay from the earth

soft
malleable
hardened
by the sun

she handed me
a small clay heart
because real love
lasts a very long time

i never make promises

because they can be difficult to keep
as well as, I can not stand to break them

why not just let life happens as it does?
with no promises
we are free to act upon
our own will and judgement

this way of thinking and living
empowers me to make the "right" decisions
based solely on situational factors

of course, without being said,
there are some aspects of life
that should not require
any words of honor
to provide appropriate action(s)

such as loyalty to a committed partner
or
frequent communication with a beloved sibling
or
protection and care for a domesticated pet

To promise or not to promise?
What do these spoken treaties mean, if anything?

wilderness

The original plan
for my current get-away
was to take a trip to the wilderness
with my youngest brother.

We didn't finalize any details
until 2 hours before our planned departure
including how we would get there
and where we were going.

Hitchhiking is always preferred
but he had to be home in time
to return to work.

So we opted to drive,
rarely an option for us.

It must have been divine intervention
that caused this thought to occur.
We can only imagine what would have become of us
if we hadn't a vehicle.

We found two perfect trees to tie our cordage between,
secured two shorter lengths with a square knot,
and staked our tarp into the ground.

A pit had already been dug by previous campers,
plenty of dead-fall was to be found,
and we spent an hour gathering and stacking
tinder, kindling, squaw wood, and bulk fuel firewood

I sensed that it was going to soon be raining.
So we utilized the jeep as a dry storage option,
even keeping some uncut, downed trees underneath the carriage

By the time that we had finished our work
the rain started to fall.
We made it to our shelter
watching the beauty of the forest from inside.

Our first issue was realized when no immediate water source was found.
We had the remainder of water that we had filled our canteens with from home
but this was all.
We had planned to boil water from a nearby river
which happened to be much further away than we had thought.
We also only had two small water bottles to store any gathered water in.

Research of the area before arrival is crucial
we knew this, but were to scatter-brained during our "planning" session.

Another issue was having packed too lightly.
this is something that I often pride myself on
but we had an entire vehicle to fill.

It was a restless night for me.
The mosquitoes and other biting/stinging insects had their way with me.
The rain was loud, beating against the tarp.
But after I settled into my sleeping bag
I eventually drifted off.
Morning felt like it would never come.

We woke and started our first fire
with our dry wood.
After the ashes were hot and ready
we got our baked beans ready.

No can opener
so we attempted to slice them open with our knives.
I accidentally caught my finger on the raggedly cut, tin lid

My hands were black from handling charred wood and dirt.
But the blood was very visible.
My pocket hand sanitizer made it's debut
and it burned like fire

My bandanna was now home
to not only mucus and baked beans
but also dried blood.

I cooked my beans in their can
buried in the red hot coals.
Benjamin tried his luck in a mess kit pan
over the fire
on top of a hand-fashioned, wooden grate.

We soon headed out to hike through the expanse
Our bags filled.
Our water topped off.
We hit the unmarked, unkept trails.

We used a map and a compass to navigate.
After 7 hours we were back to the trailhead
with darker complexions and tired eyes.

Back at camp we read and fell asleep.
Upon waking up we started our second fire
and cooked our second meal,
mixed greens and cheddar broccoli soup.
Food has tasted better and had less ash in it
but it wasn't awful.

A leak in the jeep's gas tank
brought our traveling to a halt.
However,
many lessons were learned and
much improvisation was had.

On the late night drive home
we stopped to get drive-thru pizza
and gas station Slurpees;
so that I could keep my eyes open
and not end our excursion even sooner.

Blackjack & Bottle Rockets

i needed to get away from the city
it continues to be too much for me

i am blessed with a great living situation
and a great career
but I just seem to lose my mind
after a year or so

i have gotten to the point where I accept this
and admit to it a year in advance

I told my current employer
that if they really wanted me back
then they must know
that I would take at least a month off
in the warmer months

I still have the job, so
I decided to split the month in half
half now at the beginning of July
half at the end of August

So I tied up all of my loose ends in the city
and got on my bicycle
against the wind (21 mph)
against the heat (83 degrees Fahrenheit)

I made it to The Orchard House
25 miles in 2 hours

I played cards with my mother
I worked outdoors
in the sunshine

I shaved my head and face
for the first time in many months
I look like a new man.

I cooked and baked
for our celebration of independence
from Great Britain
and of dependence
on our corrupt governmental systems

The evening of the 4th ended
around a campfire
surrounded by white christmas lights
the sound of explosions all around

I kept lighting off too many bottle rockets
all at once\

We watched the fireflies
light up the backyard
as the sun set
over the apple trees

Disconnect (Bagel Shop Freak)

i was recently sitting in a bagel shop
waiting for a friend.

Only one other customer was present
a friend of the two employees.
They all sat together and talked of nothing
but slandered others that they knew.

I never saw them set their smart phones down.
They seemed to always be glued to their hands
as well as to their eyes,
even while in discussion with one another.

In the modern world
it is common in any moment of waiting
or any other possible silence
that my generation must fill
a self-constructed void.

Mostly with
thin-film transistor liquid crystal displays.

What did 20-year-olds do before 
the invention of portable screens?
Did they sit still and quiet, like myself?

I find it healing to take time away
from technology
for long periods at a time.

I was an absolute freak sitting in this bagel shop
with nothing to "kill the time"
but my own thoughts
and imagination.

I was not bored
And I was not concerned 
with other places
or other people.
How very un-hip of me.

hostile world (makarios)

i do my best to learn from every experience
every circumstance
every beautiful day
every abysmal day

sometimes it seems that my current situation
is so exceptional
or so ghastly
that the constructs of reality seem to fall in around me

i have been reminded today of many things.

1. My loved ones should always take precedence over anyone else.
    Autumn, my enchanting partner,
    Benjamin, my best friend for all time,
    My Mother & Father, who taught me how to love,
    Warmhearted friends across the world, that I have met during this lifelong exploit
    They deserve my compassion and time more

2. A lack of sleep
    A trouble that I haven't' had since my teenage years
    A lack of sustenance
    A handful of nuts and a bell pepper won't cut it for an entire day of labor
    A cup of coffee
    A convenient "aid" that leaves me feeling worse at the end than ever before
    this all brings me to
    A recipe for emotional and spiritual disaster.

3. To be truly free
     I need do exactly what I want
     When I want.
     I need to know when something is damaging
     And do everything in my power to avoid that something.
     It sounds difficult sometimes.
     But it is so damn easy.

4. To simply enjoy life is to be happy.
    To simply enjoy what you have
    And what you do not have.
    If you don't know what you want
    Then you end up with a lot that you don't.
    Simplistic contentment isn't something to be mocked for.

5. We all have different needs
    Some people need to feel like they are in charge
    Some people fear being in charge
    It is never possible to meet everyone's needs.
    If you try to make everyone happy,
    to be everyone's friend,
    then you will never be happy.

In ancient Greece there was a word used specifically for the feeling that one has when experiencing happiness. This word is makarios.
To be content.
To know your place.
To be delighted with this place.

(E. Randolph Richards & Brandon J. O’Brien, Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes)

It seemed too perfect
"My dream job"
I couldn't quite believe it when I rode away
with a smile on my face.

It seemed too awful
"My nightmare job"
I couldn't quite believe it when I rode away
with a blank, emotionless face.

I didn't want to do anything when I got home.
I was exhausted, but I didn't want to sleep.
I was famished, but I didn't want to eat.
The thought of existing was almost too much to bear.

It seemed to ease my mind
"On Second Thought"
I couldn't believe that it had come and gone so quickly
with a smile on my face.

Nothing feels quite like quitting a job that you hate,
or in this case, a job that I was almost certain that I was going to.

Thank G_D for the present, the past, and the future.
Thank The Almighty for lessons learned and lessons relearned.
Thank The All-Knowing for my current state of makarios.

Her Return Home

the thought of her return home

had kept me awake the past few nights.

i could meet her at the bus station

if i was to make it there in time.

it had begun raining

but i was not going to take the time

to put on my rain jacket.

I cycled through the train station

around and around

past the "no bicycle"signs

she was no where to be found.

I would later know that she had seen me

as her bus was pulling away from the station

she cried as the space between us grew, once more

traffic was not a concern to me

I weaved around cars

only half hoping that they would stop

as I walked my bicycle up the sidewalk

she appeared from around the block

three large bags in her arms

She dropped her bags

We held each other on the porch for an eternity

The rain was our music.

I do not feel empty any longer.

Madly Musing in Madison

i could not take my eyes off of the moon
it was large and red
cut in half by the horizon

she seemed to have a fear of silence
so she spoke constantly
to scare the quiet away

last minute decisions are the always right
the water was cold, the water was hot
we could have stayed in the water all night

the environment frightened me
i was lost, drowning
a sea of nervous, cold faces

i became much closer
with my clan, my tribe
my cooperative family

it reminded me too much of college
small, bland room
power point presentation
pressure to take notes

lecture
soliloquy
monologue

when i cared too much
i was desperate
when i did not care at all
i was invisible
when i cared just enough
i was golden

i needed more fresh air
i couldn't stand still for long
i wanted to experience the city

rain, to wash clean, sunlight, to dry (our outstretched hands and souls)

such is life.

we laugh, we cry.

the worst day of your life

could be followed by the absolute best.

i have gained so much from this existence

but this is easily forgotten when the skies overhead darken

charred black with misconstrued actions and words

she left the windows to our bedroom open

to let the summer breeze dance through the laced curtains.

i led her outside

and showed her how to gently bury the roots.

my prediction had been that a storm was on the way.

soon the sky was stone grey

the rain came in a wave

as it does in the ocean

rain, 

to wash clean

it wouldn't last long, i said.

we finished our work on time

for the sunlight,

to dry 

our outstretched hands and souls

the floor of our bedroom was damp

with the early summer rain.

my hands were covered in damp earth

and i smiled.

last night (she is in the northern country)

my stomach is sick
i woke up at 4 A.M.
this morning.
it had to be evening,
though,
i thought.
because i am alone
in my bed.
my eyes would barely open.
there was more light outside
than there should have been.
i had not gone into work.
time to find a new job.
but i fell back asleep.
she was in the northern country
and wouldn't be back home
for 2 more weeks.
i am alone.
my eyes are red.
i did not sleep well
last night.

ˈīrənē,ˈiərnē/

Our room reflects
the state of our life so perfectly;
it is in disarray,
as are we.
No time
to make the bed
No time to apologize
for what I said.
No time to talk
of what we are really thinking.

Our clothes are thrown about
much like our hearts
after the falling out.

You've lived in this room
without me for the past few days.
You told me in a message
that you missed me
like never before.

We don't talk to each other
the way that we do in our letters.
Our letters to each other are so romantic.

The irony of my excitement
to show you
the cross that my brother tattooed
on my ankle.
It was done with a sewing needle
in a bedroom.
You cried
when I said goodbye to you
this morning.

All of my heroes
have died.
they were dead
by the time that I had read of them.
I am slowly,
oh so slowly,
realizing that there are no heroes.
No one can meet the standards
that we set for them
once they are dead.

To love is to agonize over another's happiness
in place of your own.
How is it that I have never felt this
for another before?
I suppose that I have never known love.
Thank you for the pain, My Love.
It feels so good to be in love.
It hurts so bad to be in love.
Contradiction and uncertainty
make life worth living.

The irony of my excitement
to hold you in my arms again.

Safe Travels, Thank You, Lord

I was able to pull my travel bag
off of it's hook in the back of my closet
this morning.
The first time since winter hit.

I decided that I was going to hitch
to the country
to my folk's house in the orchard.

It was time for our maple trees to be tapped
and there was work to be done.

A bus ride to the outskirts of the city
Lady luck was with me
I caught three rides
with little effort.
23 miles covered in the cars of strangers.

But alas
My journey was almost complete.
No strangers stopped
for the shivering traveler
in his trapper hat
walking alongside the road
of his childhood years.
3 miles covered on foot.

Clouds filled most of the sky
but a wind was coming from the west
"which is the best"
and a good sign of no precipitation to come
in the next 12 hours

The sun would burst through
every few minutes
and I would look up
long enough to warm my face

I was shouting Fall Out Boy lyrics
and enjoying scenery and sounds
that had become foreign to me.

Such as the squeak of my alice pack frame
every time I lift my left foot.

I miss the natural beauty of a backwoods landscape.
I miss the silence that a life in the country brings.

And as always
I began questioning
why it is so difficult
for us to JUST LIVE.
Without a need
for more
that we don't need.

Thank you, Lord,
For my safe travels.

Nightmares of The Workplace

This morning I woke from a frightful dream
It felt so real that I truly believed that it had happened.

I was prepared to pack my things and move into my parents house.
The thought of job-hunting terrified me.

It seemed a normal day.
But when I arrived at work..
I was called into speak with my boss.
She told me that they "just had to let me go."
I was devastated.
The best job of my life.
It was over.

My depression soon vanished.
I remembered a quote from one of my favorite books,

“Getting fired is the best thing that could happen to any of us. 

That way, we’d quit treading water and do something with our lives.”

I was free.

Simply so.

I went to pick up my last paycheck

and thanked my manager

for her part in my liberation.

As I slowly gained consciousness

I smiled.

I didn't have to go to work 

because I no longer had a job.

Then I realized that it had only been

successions of images, ideas, emotions, ands sensations

that had occurred involuntarily in my mind

during my sleep cycle.

my fondest memory of late

laying in a clawfoot tub
a sea of hot water
sunlight pouring in
trying not to splash
onto the pages of the Hemingway novel
in my hands

exemplar

it is strange
to have someone in your life
that you feel so similar to
but that you also look up to.

i find myself wishing to be like him
but then i realize that i already am.
his blood is mine.

i notice in the small details.

i will speed up my writing
suddenly the handwriting is his.

i will tell outrageous stories
they will remind me of his.

i will make friends everywhere that i go
they will tell me that i remind them of him.

the list goes on and on.

my father is the greatest man that i know.

witch house and sewing

she came home early
she said that we hadn't spent
an entire day together in too long

she skipped her afternoon classes
i was carrying cinderblocks
when she appeared around the corner

she smiled that beautiful smile of hers
and we spent the entire day
by each other's side

we rode our bicycles around
the sun was shining bright
the brightest of late winter light

the wind was blowing so violently
that it felt like we were standing in place
most of the time

the snow had begun to melt
everyone was smiling bright
the warmest of late winter souls

we sat on the edge of the bed
with our BL▲CK † CEILING
and mended our neglected clothing

Sea Change (Everyone Can)

The very first poetry that I ever wrote read like this:
"I feel as if my conscience, my morals, have left me behind. Alone with my sins and the darkest soul known to man."

I was still a devout christian at this early time in my life. And nothing could have shaken that... except for the girls that would shortly come into my life.

Pieces of my "God" still fragmented, rose to the surface throughout...
In fact, i'm not sure when, but sometime after i had filled two journals of my writing,  I went through and tore out any trace of my Christian past and burned the pages. Some pages still remained only partially intact due to writing I wanted to keep on the back pages.

"Be your own god,
in myself i trust...
crucify me
lay yourselves before me"

"i feel an infinite coldness
reaching into my heart
why won't the sun just set"

I finished high school. I was with the same girl. I started college. I was an intoxicated mess.

"Too much sex, too little jesus."

I cried out to anyone, anything
"God, please take this pain away, I'm in agony, I need help."

"i didn't like who i was, but now i hate who i've become."

"I'm so depressed that I need something to take my mind off the fact that I'm living."

"DESPERATION
God please f***ing save me from myself.
I'm not feeling so well...
I need sleep, so badly
but the sun is about to
go down and it will be
time for me to come to life.
i need to fit into something,
anything, i need to feel a part.
i'm a part of this system
                    this machine
but i'm a jam in the gears."

"tears are swelling in my eyes...why can't anyone explain what is wrong with me? i know i'm not crazy...but if i'm not then what the f*** is wrong with me. my mind is still dark, but it guess it always was. i'm just a hell of a lot better at hiding it now. i want to kill myself somedays but other days i want to kill everyone around me."

Small changes came through interaction with my family. Their concern for my well-being and spiritual health was clear.

"so i've been trying this new thing recently, it's called g(G)od"

"I keep questioning if I'm different in more ways then the obvious. What is it about myself that attracts people like magnetism? Why has this magnetism been turned off recently? Why do I always get the girl? Why am I not dead? or in prison or an asylum where I belong? Thank you, God. You keep proving to me that I'm meant for something more. I'm going to change this world."

"WE don't NEED no TRUTHless heroes. I do not NEED anymore TRUTHless heroes." -Andrew Schwab

"I believe, but I haven't quite accepted yet..."

"i'm beginning to notice that i'm depending on god a lot more recently... it kind of scares me, but i'll be alright."

"How many times will it take for me to realize that God is the answer to all of my problems?"

"God is the only thing that can fill the gaps, not a cultural system of guidelines, organized behaviors, and rituals."

I spent a small amount of time working and living on a families homestead in the summer of 2011. It opened my eyes to how life could be. I transferred out of the Christian University that I had been attending to a much larger University in Kalamazoo, MI.

"everyday i come closer to the truth of myself and where i'm headed.
i'm in need of a change, a very big change in my life.
i need to get out of the smalltown that i call my home.
i need to not see my first love ever, ever again.
i need to get a motorcycle and a backpack to hold the very few possessions i am going to own.
i need to leave all of this behind, at least for now.
i need a new start."

"we talk of leaving this place behind
you told me what you thought of god
i told you to breathe in rhythm with the earth"

January 1st, 2012
2:25 a.m. - Deer Bourne, TN
"it's a new year and i'm far away. i just finished a discussion with my father about my future. topics ranged from the existence of a god to anarchism. it ended on a better note than i thought it was going to, half-way through. i guess i do believe in God, but i need to work things out in my head still. The winning argument stated that without someone up there watching over me AND having big plans for my future... I'd either be a father, in prison, dead, or a combination of the three. it's amazing that i'm as far through life as i am. So, thank you. As for this year... it's going to be one to remember. Hold on tight."

I dropped out of college. I decided that it wasn't necessary for me. That I wanted to live my life in protest of what we had been taught was the correct way to live.

March 14th - B&N
4:24 p.m. - people living their plastic lives
"Sure I believe in God. i also believe in theft, made-up stories, & passionate love-making. All of these things are a part of my day-to-day life."

May 10th?, 5:?? p.m.
Underneath railroad tracks, alongside a stream
"...My future also appears to be coming to light. I'm finding myself and becoming rather excited...As I pedaled all the way here, it hit me that there has been an almost shocking reason for my sudden change of character after high school. I realize now...that this time was necessary. If i hadn't lost touch with my dangerously extroverted self, I wouldn't have had the chance to give up alcohol and substance abuse as easily as I did. I also wouldn't have had time for all of the self-reflection that I've had recently. Thank you, God, for changing me."

I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I quit filling myself with poison. I wanted to live lucidly. The way that The Almighty had planned for me.

But were my future plans for free travel realistic? We departed for the U.P, 400 miles away in the middle of June.

June 25th Monday, 7:54 a.m.
Grand Rapids, MI - L.O.V.E., Nat King Cole
"Our journey is coming to an end. We've received almost 40 rides, accepted handouts, and free meals.  We've spent time on an indian reservation, participated in a summer solstice drum circle celebration, and took a ride in a police cruiser after we scared the locals.
I like to think that we've inspired may people with our ideas and energy. I know that people we've come in contact with have inspired me. This past week has taught me more than institution could in a decade. this is the most spiritual journey i've ever been on."

God was continuing to shape me, whether I was aware of this or not.

Sept. 5th Wednesday - 7:54 a.m.
The Collective - the fan and Katie washing the dishes
"I rose early this morning. I'm trying to KILL MY EGO. Yoga, prayer, and conversation comprised my earliest events today. i may have found my shining light. but there's a few things that she should know about me first. I don't use chemicals and I'm in touch with my spiritual self and The Creator."

Oct 4th, Thursday 2012 - 5:20 p.m.
Peoples Food Co-op Parking Lot/ Take It Away - the Used
"I felt the urge to return home last night, to the wild familiarity. The trees that framed my childhood and hung the stars. The rain that fell on the most beautiful of mornings. It was time to return. I needed quiet. I needed solitude. I needed no one. No one but my Creator. I wrapped a blanket around my chest and shaved scalp. I stepped across the wet earth, it's contact with my bare feet felt truer than most anything I'd ever been told to believe. I found myself on a hilltop. I sat still, hands folded. I talked with God like never before. I waited for Him to respond a few times but I don't think that I heard much of anything but the stillness of the breathing life around me. The entire happening feels to me as if it is caught in time. Nothing else seems to coincide . I just want to ride my bicycle further and further away from anything of societies construct. Tear my sweater off and feel the wind brush against my soul. I'm not going to eat anything today."

October 14th, Sunday 2012 - 9:52 a.m.
The Collective House/the fan and cars on wet pavement
"i was truly happy last night."

December 15th Sat 10:34 a.m.
Looking out my window to a grey sky/ Ben's humidifier
"Dearest Lord, My Creator,
Thank you for another morning, another day to wake and stretch. Another opportunity to learn and to teach. Lend me your love, your compassion, your patience. Allow me to open to those around me. To listen with a genuine heart. Most of all, My Savior, guide me as your light to the world throughout my day, bringing  hope and joy that will change the way that those around me see and experience. Amen."

January 9th Wed 8:38 a.m.
Broson Hospital - footsteps on tile, voices
"God. Early Morning (Soon to be common).
Hot Drinks. Winter Weather.
Conversation. Possible Interest.
Genuine Connection.
Beautiful Sunrise. Bicycle.
Fake Accent. Air of Authority.
Not to be Questioned. Wind in my Hair.
Realizations. Falling in Love.
Small City. Conclusion.
Tattoo Ink. Eternal Disciple.
Prayer. Change Within.
I heard God through the wind in my hair, as soon as I abled myself to remove my winter cap and listen.
Change must happen within and around the immediate surroundings before anymore can be hoped for.
Thank you, Creator, for this time.
Travel Soon. Study Now.
Departure Soon. Change Now.
Spiritual Nomad Soon. Disciple Now
& Forever More."

Winter Desolation (Desert Wanderings)

This has been a harder winter for me than others.
I feel that living in the city has intensified
my feelings of loneliness.
But I can never be sure,
of anything, really.

That sounds like somewhat of a paradox,
does it not?
Lonely in a bustling city?
Impossible.
Reach out and talk to those around you.
Leave your bedroom.
Shut your computer off.
Set it on it's shelf.
Put on your jacket and start walking.

All of these actions seem to hold the answer.
But none of them truly do.
There are no answers.
You can only continue what you are doing
or start something new.

I miss the countryside.
My sanctuary is in the stillness of the forest.
I am capable of positive human interaction.
But my preferred environment is amidst the towering trees
I long to feel the gelid, winter wind against my face
I long to run the scorched soil of the desert between my fingers
I long to immerse myself in the playful, salty waves of the ocean

My best friend has described
what I may be going through
as life in a moral desert.

I've resorted to many objects of past interest.
Certain aspects of myself that I believed I was through with.
What is it called when self-described happiness only lasts so long?
When you finish what you thought you were enjoying
and feel an insatiable emptiness.
Longing for change,
endless adventure,
any absence of familiarity.

I call this life.
I call this desolation.
I call this winter of the soul.
I call this my moral desert of a city.
I call this wandering.

I am going to
Leave this bedroom.
Shut my computer off.
Set it on it's shelf.
Put on my jacket and start walking.

Thank you for my sufferings, Lord.

Brighter Futures (Constant Evolution of Mind and Spirit)

Five years ago
I would have told you
that by the year 2014
I would have a college degree
in Fine Art Photography and Design

I thought that I would be a professional,
a college graduate,
operating out of my own photo studio

A year later I transferred to another university
I dropped my photography aspirations all together
and decided that graphic design was the only solution

Half a year later I became heavily influenced
by anarchism and other anti-capitalistic political movements
My decisions began resting on the fact that college was disastrous
Standardized education would have been the death of me
financially, as well as spiritually

I did not register for any classes the next semester
and freely labeled myself
the infamous title of a "college dropout".
I figured that it was something to be proud of.
Single handedly I had saved myself
from one of the largest gears of an oppressive system.

Yet I had not escaped unscathed.
I had rescued my spirit, but not my bank account.
The debt that I owed on the loans
was going to force me to remain employed
for longer than I felt content with being.

But before rejecting
what I had come to believe was the best option
in contrast with joining the workforce directly
or enlisting in the military (those are the only options, right?)
I saw a girl with bright pink hair waiting for the bus

Sometimes I will decide that it just isn't worth it
to put myself out there
to talk to a complete stranger
in finger-crossed hopes of a genuine connection

But this was to be a seemingly small decision
(I am curious as to how many of these we miss on a daily basis?)
that was going to determine
the next chapter of my so-called existence

We spoke of her punk rock pins
We spoke of women's studies
We spoke of coffee shops
We spoke of cooperative houses

We spoke of cooperative houses
I moved into the Fletcher Collective
a few months later

I worked and worked and worked
as wait staff for a high-end catering company
as a food runner at a cabaret and grille
as a cashier at a fast food joint
All at the same time

Then I got a call from the local Food Co-op
The following day I was the proud owner of four jobs
The day after that I quit three jobs

Quitting a job
is the best thing that could happen to any of us
That way, we’d quit treading water
and do something with our lives.

There is no such release as sitting down with your employer
and letting them know that you've found something much better.

Maybe you give two-weeks notice
But you may also smirk at the thought
of never showing up to another shift there again
no warning at all.
There will be no need to list them as a reference
because you will have no unemployed gap to explain.
You were working two jobs at the time.
No need to list the third, that seems like overkill.

For once in my life,
and I've been employed since I was 16,
I was working a job
in which I knew that I was making a difference.
I believed in the ends and means of The Peoples Food Co-op of Kalamazoo.

But I was still yearning for experience
Something was missing
I had my extremist political views
I was living and working in cooperatives

I wanted to travel the world
with a backpack that held
the very little possessions that I would own
I wanted to give all of my things away

I sold my car
I donated most of my music and clothing
If it wasn't beautiful or necessary
than I did not want it.

I followed through with this
The first plan in my life that didn't change
before I could make it into a reality.
With just the pack on my back
and my thumb stuck out
on the shoulders of the nations highways,
I traveled like I never would have of dreamt was possible.

I began to see a very noticeable difference
between me and the other traveling kids that I came across.
I didn't smoke or drink
I believed in a higher power that was guiding me along.
I began to find myself within my lapsed moral system

The Almighty had a plan for me
I was to continue wandering the earth
eating and sleeping in the streets with the less fortunate,
my true brothers and sisters

I thought that I would be doing this for the rest of my life.
But there was a girl.
She had lived down the hall from my room
in the Collective house.
I was about to leave town
so she told me how she felt.
We fell in love.
Her mother hated the thought of her hitchhiking.

I continued traveling in any way that I could
with whatever free time I had.
As I did this, my truest passion began to blossom
Gardening, Farming, Homesteading, Living off the Land

I was going to be a Photographer with my studio in Chicago
I was going to be an Anarchist, College-Dropout Activist
I was going to be a Punk-ass, Intentionally Homeless Hitchhiker
I was going to be a Wandering Spiritual Pilgrim
I was going to be a Back-Country Farmer in love.

I am a man with a love for nature and self-sustainability.
I rest my faith in a God that I can feel working in my life.
I hitchhike or ride my bicycle to get most places.
I still hold my anarchist ideals close to my heart.
I am happy that I didn't continue my bank-breaking education,
but that I persist to learn on an everyday basis.
I know how to use a camera in a very technical way
and can explain all of the complicated settings that could give your pictures a professional look.
I am in love with a woman from Vicksburg

Life Through the Eyes of Love

I never knew that I
might feel this way

The way a mother or father
might feel
when their child does not return home
late one afternoon from a friends house.

The way a husband or wife
might feel
when they are told that their life partner is gone
forever, never to return.

To be worried sick to the point of nausea
Looking out the window every three minutes
Wishing that her phone wasn't dead and lying next to me.

I have never been in love like this before.
I have never cared so much.
I have never been worried sick.